Jewels from the Dark

I’m a little bit obsessed by J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, especially the people of Rohan. I love their fighting spirit, how they never give up even when the odds are against them. I also love one of their battle cries – ‘Forth…and fear no darkness!’

Darkness has been a constant companion of mine throughout my life. Whether it was emotional darkness, spiritual darkness, or physical darkness, I have always been drawn to the idea of going into that darkness and finding a way to bring a little bit of light.

I spent 10 years serving my state and community – most of which was on night shift. I learned things about myself, about others, about humanity. Working in the dark changes the way you see. You look for shadows moving…you pay more attention to what is going on around you…you truly live. So many people either don’t like the dark or they have been taught to fear it. I learned to love it.

Then, unexpectedly, all of that changed in an instant. It’s funny, really, how fragile life is… not funny ‘ha-ha’ but odd and strangely beautiful. In my work, I often walked into the valley of the shadow of death and literally sat with people as they struggled, hoped, feared, and died in the dark. Some days it was overwhelming. Other days it was just numb. All days it was a privilege to bear witness to life, in all its grand, ugly, beautiful, messy, awful, wondrous moments. All days it was hard.

I ended up getting injured on the job and my own life took a drastic turn. I was forced to medically retire far ahead of my professional goals or timeline. I struggled to find work. I made the decision to sell my house and uproot my family to save money. I became progressively physically disabled. Where I was well versed in sitting in the darkness with others, I had never learned to sit in the darkness with myself. That has become my journey – I feel like I have entered the untamed wilderness, where adventure and heartache awaits.

Over the last three years, the road into that wilderness grew very dark for me – mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Chronic pain and recovery from several failed surgeries took a great toll. The layers of trauma, loss and grief in my life began to smother me. I went to the depths of myself, stared into the abyss on the edge of overwhelm, and chose to whisper, ‘Forth and fear no darkness…’

I have a fantastic support system who stands by me, no matter what. Some are more comfortable entering into the darkness with me. Others call to me from the light, reminding me that I am loved and that the world does not hold only deep darkness. They all help me find the light, no matter how small of a spark it may be. I am about to embark on a new adventure and I will need their love and support more than ever. As my life continues to transform and I face yet another road into the deep, I find my voice beginning to strengthen – ‘FORTH AND FEAR NO DARKNESS!’

Tolkien, J. R. R. 2005. The Two Towers. London, England: HarperCollins.