Jewels from the Dark

Sorry for my absence. I went away for about two weeks by myself before my amputation surgery. Then I chopped my hand off. Then I took two weeks off of work and dove headlong back into full time work, picked up a second job, and started my third semester of grad school. I simply…pretended like nothing changed.

But something did change. I have no left hand. Not ‘no use of a left hand.’ NO. LEFT. HAND. That’s a bit life altering. As a single mom on one income, I know how to grit my teeth and just muscle through. I keep moving forward, remember?

Until I can’t. Today, I found myself exhausted, with an intense overuse injury in my right arm which renders me almost fully incapacitated. Everything hurts. Washing my hair, getting dressed, driving, holding anything, etc. That is problematic as my right arm is fully responsible for doing everything in my life.

I saw one of my dear friends today who witnessed my struggle and held me while I sobbed. I have told myself to stop wallowing in self-pity, when it is actually a deep and mighty grief I am holding. A grief I have not allowed space to exist. She reminded me of a lament I wrote several years ago. It was a cry from the depths of my soul – full of grief, anguish, anger, sadness…

So here it is. This is my lament.

Save me – see me, O God, as I slip again under the waves;

            For my heart grows dark and my strength is failing.

Under the weight and waves of loneliness and isolation, I drown.

            Why do you wait?  Where is your strong arm to save?

Do even you not see me? I am invisible to everyone;

            There is only darkness and night.

I am alone under water – can even you see and save me?

 

You have lifted me out of the waves, pulled me from the oceans of loneliness;

            Yet I fall back in.

Where is the Rock?  Where is my Refuge?

            Where is the Lighthouse to guide me home?

Long are the watches of the night –

            Long have I been treading water.

But you, O Lord, have kept me afloat.

            You have allowed my mouth to stay just above the water when I needed breath.

 

Find me, Abba;

see my tiny form in the vastness of my despair.

Save me by your mighty hand,

            You who sees and rescues those drowning.

I am desperate for air;

            Come and see and save me.

Set my feet firmly on the Rock,

            Deliver me from the waves and water.

 

I have struggled and tried to strong arm the ocean’s waves.

As the breakers crash over my head and the rolling waves take me under again,

            I fight to surrender.

I have lost all faith and strength in my own arms –

            Only you, my God and my Savior, have the strength to save.

I will become still;

            I will wait on my deliverance to come from You.

Do not delay, O God, as I cease to fight;

            For I slip silently beneath the waves and water.

 

Others have seen my struggle and heard my cries;

            Yet all have turned away.

Even those I gave my last bits of strength to help save –

Even those have turned away; I am invisible to them.

Have mercy on them, for I know the pain of drowning;

            The suffering they have faced.

Oh, how I wish even one would turn and help.

            But they are all gone; I am hidden from everyone’s view.

I am invisible, even to those I have helped

            Rescue from this same darkness.

O Savior – He who walks on the waves and calms the seas –

I see Your shadow pass above me; Your hand outstretched towards mine.

For You have heard my cry, You saw my form among the waves –

            In the vast desolation of the ocean, You found me.

Do not delay in lifting me from the water,

            Breathe life back into my dry bones, for I am close to death.

Only You, O God my Savior, can deliver me back to life.

 

Praise be to the Rock, my safety in the storm.

            You have pulled my body from the deep and breathed life back into my soul.

I will praise You, for You saw me at my worst –

            The moment my struggle killed me – and you looked on me with grace and mercy.

You who saves – not to judge harshly –

            But to love and restore.

You have rescued me from the deep.

 

You will not abandon or ignore those in need.

            For You searched and saw and rescued me.

From the depths of despair,

            You saw and saved me.

You are full of grace and kindness,

            You will not ignore my cries for help.

You are always searching for those who feel alone;

            For you were abandoned once too.

You would not have any lost to loneliness and isolation.

You break through the darkness of the sea and strength of the waves to save even one.