Jewels from the Dark

I have been mulling over these question lately, with all of the recent changes in my life: Who do I think I am? Who do I want to be? How do I become that person?

It is sometimes hard to keep the proper perspective of who I am in the midst of so much pain, sorrow, and loss. It tends to color my vision and give me an unhealthy view of myself and my life. I also tend to be very self-critical, especially when I see any of my faults (real or perceived). So it feels…unsettling, even a little unsafe, to ask the first question – who do I think I am? I am not a great fan of myself, so I don’t think much of me.

What feels more daunting, yet healthier, is the second question – who do I want to be? That one comes more organically to a recovering perfectionist like me. I always have a list of how I fail to measure up and how I could be better. So while I would love to say I want to be perfect, make no mistakes, always show up for people exactly how they need me to be, my perspective on that has changed. Not only is that not reality, it is no way to truly live either. The older I get, the more I come to understand that. Perfection is not a great ideal in a person – it is the ultimate fixed mindset as it does not allow for or need growth.

So, who do I actually want to be? I want to be:

• A good woman – not a nice girl, but a good woman
• Fearless
• Resilient
• Able to make mistakes and learn from them, without it feeling like the end of my world
• Kind
• Compassionate
• Loving
• Trustworthy
• Worth loving
• Rooted in integrity and justice
• A protector
• A healer
• Funny
• Discerning
• Understanding
• Present
• Without regret
• Free
• Human
• Mindful
• Forgiving
• Intelligent
• Dare I say – hopeful?

That list is by no means complete, but it is a good starting place. I can look at that list and see aspects of myself in some of those qualities. I still have plenty of growing to do though.

Which brings me to the last question – how do I become that person? This is the one that has been most present in my brain lately. I can create a great list of awesome character traits and human qualities, but if I don’t work towards them, what is the point?

When I look at the above list, a few things stand out to me. In order to become that woman, I have to also have humility and vulnerability. I have to open myself up to being hurt, to not being perfect…to actually living. I have to walk in grace – for myself and others. I need to be willing to embrace the fact that I am human and that means I will make mistakes and need to seek forgiveness as well as offer it. It will take hard work and determination to become who I want to be.

As I stand on the brink of reinventing myself yet again, I want to do it right this time. It goes deeper than my professional identity or who others think I am. It goes to the heart of who I want to actually be – my very essence as a woman. It involves taking stock of who I am right now, seeing the areas for growth and then choosing to do the work.

When I look back on my life on my deathbed, will I be proud of who I became in this moment? Will I be able to rest easy, knowing that I lived a life fully alive? What kind of legacy will I leave this world, if any? These are the questions taking up residence in my heart and mind lately. I don’t have all the answers, but I have a willingness to ask the questions and wrestle with what it brings up.

My challenge to you is to join me on this journey. Who do you think you are? Who do you want to be? How will you become that person?